I guess I'll try and make this brief, since my being sick is making it hard to concentrate. First off, my emachine died several months back, since I guess it was so old it finally decided it couldn't turn on anymore. That's made it hard for me to do much, since all I'm left with is a very limited laptop with no hard-drive space. I just want anyone and everyone who cares to know that I'm fine... Although I don't know if I'll be writing in this blog anymore after this, since I really wouldn't know what to use it for. I've been using my new blog instead, which has been really good for me, as it provides me with an outlet where I can be completely honest and share it with others at the same time. I'd never really done that before, as I had never had the confidence or trust to express myself openly... and not to mention I hadn't quite realized this problem until recently. I've learned a lot of things, including just how important honesty is, and how sad it is that such a trait isn't utilized much in today's world. But I'm going to be myself, and be as honest as possible, even though most people don't have an appreciation for that. The important thing is that I know I'm doing well, and that I'm doing the best I can. I can trust myself and my lover, and allow myself to be spiritually free. I refuse to listen to the voice of ego because I love myself, and therefore I can love others. I'm feeling happy for the first time in my life too.

I've still felt extremely ambivalent about posting the link to my new blog here, though, so I'll wait to discern what's best. The reason? I haven't wanted family to somehow end up reading it, because in the past my family life has perpetuated unhealthy patterns where I would only ever feel like I was being attacked just for trying to vent, or trying to reach out for a little understanding. I've never been able to feel safe being myself or being honest with my family members. I still can't completely trust that. I would love to, but since they generally haven't had the time to get to know me as a person, I don't think anything good will come out of it yet. (They never appreciated me mentioning any problems in my life, either, and generally blamed it on me.) Family making assumptions about me can only cause problems right now. So, I don't want to drop my defenses on that just yet, since those patterns of misunderstanding are probably not going to change very soon. Nonetheless, I love myself, I love my family, and I will keep trying all I can to help situations further improve.

Though outside circumstances are still the same, yes, I have definitely improved.

Thanks for reading this. Perhaps sometime in the future I'll figure out something else to do with this blog. Otherwise, I'll just have to decide whether or not I can share my new blog address. Until then... Good luck and I love you.

I'm finally legally old enough to go out and buy booze and whatnot. And that's just funny to me now. Because I don't want to.

I'm okay. I'm only hurty because of stupid.... bodily stupidness... that can't be controlled... and that most people have been complete assholes about, when it really only comes to simply understanding. And of course humans don't understand much of anything, and always prefer choosing to do the thing that is stupid. But the past is over, and I just have to start being open and honest. In the meantime I'm just going to have to be drugged up again for a while so that I don't have to tolerate the unwanted fucking baby-machine that is exploding and killing me.

...I need my lover to know that he is loved. I also just need to be honest with what I feel and with what I think. I just don't want to feel stressed and alone because I can never share my thoughts and feelings, at least not without the extreme struggle, fear and pain. I don't want my red emotional/aura barrier of sadness to be there all the time, and my whole life, my testimony of past abuse and aloneness, preventing me from letting anyone too close or just being able to trust. It is sad, and I'm just going to be sad forever too, if I can't open up... Of course I've known what I have to do, and for a long time. But there's a difference between knowing and feeling, just as there's a difference between knowing and doing... And I don't know what else to do because my heart still won't let me.

How do you open a locked and rusted metal door with no handle, and no key? At first you might think, "blow it up!"... But I'm starting to think it's going to be more difficult than that... and take much, much longer.

I just hope I can do something nice with my lover, before having to deal with more government shit tomorrow.

I love my twinflame, and I love my best friend. ::Clings...:: Don't give up on me, and don't let me believe that I have to be alone.

Hi, I'm here, and life is a crazy game as usual. So what's new?

Fast internet is awesome but of course it isn't going to stop me from being lonely, if no one is there to do things with me. And lack of motivation + loneliness = boredom. That's all boredom has ever been for me, anyway. Well, I did actually start having some awesome storyworld role-plays with my friend and lover, although that seems to have been put on hold for the moment....

I've wanted to write and things lately but my body and mind have not exactly in the best state to do stuff... it makes it hard to do much of anything at all... like feed myself. I did start a Dream Journal, though, which I should have started writing years ago. But I think all my persistence in trying to get back into lucid dreaming will certainly pay off, anyway. It already saved me from one nightmare, it seems... And my ever-present and deep fascination with dreams and soul traveling is enough reason for me to go on with this, despite how hard it can be just to keep updated journals and whatnot... Man, it's hard to commit to schedules.

Well I also started playing Ragnarok online again just because I couldn't do a lot else in this physical state the last several days... it's hard to write or talk or do anything at all when I'm on my evil female cycle of bloody DOOM, and my brain gets so woozy and I feel feverish and am in the worst of pains..... Umm... Yeah.... Ragnarok Online is a great game, better online game than anything else you'll find out there. Just gotta make sure you find a good server. And watch out for crazy-ass GMs who do nothing better than to insult you. o-@;

So, yeah... I have felt a lot like reading, too, which hasn't happened for a while, but yet most of the reading materials I have available feel uninteresting at the moment, so that's sad. It's hard to know what to do, cause I usually want to research about the most obscure things, which of course I can never find anywhere.

I did read my Earth Angels booklet today, of course not for the first time, as it was first introduced to me years ago. That was reassuring to look at again. I've never before mentioned it in any of my writings though, nor in conversations to people, and in fact I have never discussed much of anything about my spiritual beliefs in general. I think this is especially sad, mainly caused by my own massive issues with trusting, and getting emotionally close to people, and having no confidence in myself. I am usually unable to be honest with others and share myself, which is because my heart has been locked and is utterly rusted as well, out of tremendous fear of hurt due to past abuse and other traumas, both in this life and others. I still have a horifyingly great deal of emotional and spiritual healing to undergo, that's for sure. And it is particularly discouraging to feel almost no sense of belonging at all, at least in this physical realm, which simply feels like a prison to me. My soul feels like bloody mess of pain and guardedness that I am not quite able to "fix" at this time. Nonetheless, I know I have an important mission, so I'm not giving up.

Okay. Just in case there's any closed-minded people out there who might want to misinterpret me, and end up feeling threatened by any of my words or other forms of open-mindedness, I have something to say to you. So please listen. I do not intend to force any beliefs, or otherwise, on anyone. I never have, even if it might seem that way because of my passionate and even stubborn affinity of trying to heal this world. But, again, I do not want to force, because, after all, control and forcefulness is not a natural way of behavior, nor does it reflect the love and understanding that I wish to exhibit. All I ask is that I might be respected for my own opinions and beliefs, because I only wish to share them with whoever is willing to listen. My intentions are none other than that of love, understanding and hopefully healing, and at this time I feel that it is necessary for me to finally allow myself to be free and expressive, to let go of self-doubts and fear, and to simply express what I know, for myself, to be great and profound truths.

Every person in life is a spirit, a beautiful divine spark of light within themselves, although many people are not consciously aware of this. But we are all capable of healing and miracles, as we are all lightworkers, even though most of us are unaware and untapped from our higher powers. Of course, everyone is special, important and unique, but there are also particular groups of souls who are exceedingly different, in the sense that many of them have non-Earthly spiritual origins. These people are what have been referred to as "Earth Angels", and they come in many forms and with many origins. Sadly, these exceptional lightworkers are often tragically misunderstood. It should also be noted that humans who are not Earth-Angels are no less special, only that they are here for more personal reasons, whether for their own growth, rest or enjoyment in some way.

Everyone also has guardian angels or spiritual guides in one form or another. Yet Earth Angels tend to have more spirit guides or guardians than usual, too, particularly because of the strain that their missions and Earthly life can place on them. It is especially hurtful just to see Earth's current situation because they abhor violence and are sensitive to energies. They also often struggle with the inability to find any sense of belonging. I know I understand all of these concepts completely, because I am one. And with that said, we are simply here to help love and heal Earth, especially at this crucial point in time, to prevent the negative impact that could reverberate throughout the universe if we neglect our obligation to take better care of our planet. We must also learn to rid ourselves of this darkness that has too long remained in our religious, educational and legal systems. Because, we simply cannot support or hide this negativity any longer... These new energies and special lightworkers on Earth have been called in to assist us and our world, in our most critical time of need. But we must listen and open our hearts to this healing process, and to allow it to happen. If the majority of Earth's inhabitants don't begin taking a different approach to the ways we treat our environment as well as each other, life as we know it may not continue.

I think that there are many people who will also agree, when I say, I think it's time for the human race to grow up.

For more information on Earth Angels, it seems there's really only one small written resource on the subject, although it is a good one. It is titled "Earth Angels", by Doreen Virtue, and describes each of the main categories therein. Those categories are: Incarnated Angels, Incarnated Elementals, Starpeople and Wizards. However, there are also sub categories, and there can be hybrid souls as well. I myself am definitely a mixture of all these Earth Angel realms, rather than typically fitting into any one of them. I am also an indigo/crystal child mix, as confirmed by a wonderful psychic. And of course, it's up to you to figure out for yourself who you truly are. I have found myself and my spirit name, and have many negative associations with my physical birth-name, which is why it is crucial that I legally change it someday soon...

Well, speaking of the different Earth Angel categories, I love all of them and can relate to each and every one of them. I am too different to fit into just one of those categories, though, and am a complex sort of hybrid, which can be a bit confusing and stressful, but is of course still a good thing. I am unique. I am me. Although it can be tempting, in order to try and find a better sense of belonging, I obviously shouldn't try to force myself to fit in one category either. That would only cause me to limit myself, and to dilute my natural abilities and traits. So, while it can be especially frustrating that I still seemingly don't fit in anywhere at all, I just have to continue to embrace my own differences and uniqueness, and remember that true Earth Angels, other conscious light-workers, and especially all Angels and spirits of the non-physical realm, will love me for who I am anyway. After all, I can still relate to each of them and appreciate their uniqueness, too.

I'm a complex person, always have been, and always felt totally alienated and completely different from everyone else, since almost infancy. It's like feeling completely abandoned on an alien planet, although I didn't always understand why. And, I've also known of my own intense connections with wolves, and always felt that I truly was one, trapped in a human body. Upon maturing I was able to interpret these feelings in a different light, and now I realize that I must have been wolf in at least one past life... most likely my most recent one. So naturally my soul still holds these residual feelings of anger and resentment towards humans for their great disrespect for and abuse against animals and nature. I always felt far more strongly connected to animals and nature, than I did to humans. However, I have also evolved my angel side and am working towards feeling complete forgiveness, in order to better assist in the teaching and healing of our world.

Yes, I do strongly believe in reincarnation, but my beliefs are not like that of the more typical and mainstream views of past lives and such. I don't want to go into great length about this, nor preach to anyone, but I know that any physical life we have, is because we chose it. We signed up for it. And here we are. So we can't give up, no matter how hopeless and depressing things can get. After all, we're not alone...

Well. Anyway. The fact that I feel strongly about being a wolf in a previous life, rather makes me like the category of "Incarnated Elementals" under the sub category of "Incarnated Animals". However, I also know that I share the basic common factors of all the Earth Angel realms, and am a part of each of them. And reading the Earth Angels booklet again, and intuitively and open-mindedly, still confirmed this for me. Even my own storyworld reflects my affinities for both science-fiction and fantasy-world elements. This is because of my origins from both the Wizard and Starperson categories. Not just because of my obvious sci-fi and fantasy interests, but because I know what rings true to me, and that the other puzzle pieces fall into place and tell me who I am as well. All of these "realms" do have different guidelines when it comes to personality and other traits, but all of these personalities speak loudly to me as well, as I seem to share all of these random personality traits in some way. This might sound confusing or make me appear as a very fragmented person, but I guess I won't deny that I am a bit confusing... after all, I'm a unique and complicated Independent Thinker.

Also, I realize I am probably most like an Incarnated Angel category, in both appearance and some basic personality guidelines, but that doesn't mean I can just settle with that and be done with it. I can't pretend to be something I'm not, or to try and fit into a home that isn't quite home. I also know that I have had many, many past lives, on Earth, and elsewhere... I am also naturally playful, humorous and creatively inclined, although I am also like that which seems rather too "dark" and mystic for the typical angel category.  Additionally, as I have always been fascinated with ancient magic, witchcraft, faeries, astrology, Atlantis, and the like, I certainly cannot deny my "witch" origins. Not to mention that my best friend reminds me of a Faerie Person or other Incarnated Elemental. Clearly it's hard to deny all these connections.

It seems, that like other Earth Angels, I have also commonly been used as a sort of "listening board" and a giver of support and advice to many people, and often without any reciprocation. Obviously the giving-and-receiving process is often unbalanced and unfair, which is difficult to handle for Earth Angels, since we are often giving so much of ourselves and receiving the negative residual affects of others' problems. We need to be able to find connections, people to relate to... which is something I am still looking for. While I have the best lover I could ever ask for (we are twin-flame souls), as well as a wonderful best friend, it would definitely benefit me to have other connections, particularly ones who can relate to me on these spiritual topics. All the while, I will still keep trying to share every part of myself with my lover, instead of hiding and believing my self-doubts. Because I am worthy of love, and because he deserves love too... and to be able to enjoy all of me, for who I am.

I'm sorry, my lover, if you are still so unsure about yourself... We all just need time... I only hope I can help you in this confusing process of finding yourself, and to help you feel that you are worthy, too. Because you are and always have been. And I love you.

We'll never give up. I won't let it happen.

~~Prayers of Love and Light for all who need it.~~

I started writing this post as an imood to be honest, but it expanded so much that I figured it was time to update. And here I am, hoping that I can squeeze all the fragmented bits of creativity from my muddled brain and piece it together in order to create something decent. And I'm not really talking about a blog entry, I have been trying to organize the clutter that is my story, and also try to get myself to draw more often. I'm afraid that if I don't utilize that ability, it may dwindle away completely. It's too easy to get distracted. Life just feels like decision after decision, distraction after distraction. What a silly game life is.

I guess I should be really excited, because now I have high-speed internet. Call it a Christmas present from The Moms. Got it just this morning. A whole lot sooner than we expected, too. I even had to have my brother-in-law rush out here a couple days ago to help me get a working ethernet card/port, to add to my small compilation of secretly mismatched computer parts. And here it is, Comcast Broadband in all of its speediness. But I guess I just don't have the energy to be very excited about it right now.

Well, I've had dial-up for so long that I never actually got to browse anything. Now that I can, I don't really know what to do. I can finally mess with DeviantArt now, yes, and updating my blog and imood often would be a really good thing to do. My main concern is to get a network going so that my lover and I can play games and role-play with each other, and all that good stuff we've been anticipating. Because, you wouldn't think so, but in the long run, it really isn't all that fun to have uber internet without someone to enjoy it with. I mean aside from the art and blogging (expressing my creativity and such), I don't have much use for broadband. Most everything that I enjoy doing, is my alone time. For once I just want to spend time having lots of fun with the person I love most.

We've had quite a busy week. If anything, it helped clear out some stuff on the huge TO DO list. It'll be nice if we can relax for a while. I still don't sleep well at all, so it's hard to do much. I've also been sick. Dethy too. Hopefully we're getting over it. And still, it's never pleasant to have the rest of the world breathing down our necks about not having what they consider to be a decent schedule.

Umm what else. I got a new-- no, actually it's used-- computer keyboard from a thrift store. Sadly it did look a lot newer and less beat up than mine, so I bought it. And it works perfectly fine. Funny to see all my random computer parts looking like they match, when really they don't. The monitor, speakers, keyboard, mouse and PC were all purchased separately at random times from random places. Yet they're all black and silver... well, except for my mouse, which is white and silver. Rather odd when I think about it.

And another thing... I had a funny dream a few nights back. I was living in some kind of RPG world, in which I had two companions. I don't remember them much. I recall one being animal and female, with teleportation powers. The other was probably Dethy. I was unable to remember most of the dream after waking up anyway, excluding one strange yet amusing part. I didn't have any good weapons or spells, so I was not at all happy to see a giant bear coming our way. It had to have been almost the height of a human while on all fours. Well, we were hidden in a small shack in the middle of nowhere, but this bear came and banged on the door. Nonsensically enough, I decided to loudly inquire as to whom was at the door... To which an extremely deep, sinister voice replied, "It's me!"  o_o..
         After this, I told the bear to wait just one moment, that I would be right out. Strangely enough, he did. I saw that he was standing upright and equipped with his own knives and who knows what else fastened to him. I don't know why, but I was expected to face him alone. This was an incredibly stupid idea, but I went out anyway. I approached him unarmed, which was definitely not a good idea either, but it seemed like I had no choice. Either way I had no real way of defending myself, this crazy, homicidal giant man-bear loved his throwing-knives and seemed content to kill people. He even asked me if I would stand against the wall to serve as target practice. Naturally I refused. <_<  But then I could do nothing as he approached me and had every advantage to drive a knife into my vitals, which was what he was he was about to do before I was rescued, thanks to my teleporting friend. My memory of the dream from then on is missing or hazy.

Tee. And heeee.... Yeah. So. One thing I have to say about that, is that I don't so much mind the idea of fighting evil monsters when I compare it to having disturbing nightmare dreams that have to do with my being pregnant with Quadruplets. >_> No thanks, I'd rather wrestle with the werebear any day. Sheesh... Lol...... Dreams...

Okay. So I'm ending on more of an awkward note than I intended. It's good to write about my dreams though, there's so many weird memories, it's easy to forget them. My dreams are particularly bizarre, and it's not often that I have funny or otherwise memorable dream moments, especially with the way my sleep is. I just thought the whole idea of a giant, knife-wielding, talking bear was funny. Oh well. e_e I'm probably going to be thinking about the sound of that, "It's me", for a long time.

That's all and good bye. ::Vanishes with a poof of smoke.::

In the past, November has proven to be bad month for me. I don't understand it, but it is. But yesterday was Kademon's Awakening. I haven't forgotten.

I've wanted to write in here for a while, again, but it's hard to do that when I'm constantly exhausted or sick or in pain. I'm not as busy anymore, I did get a lot of the important stuff done. With a lot of help from my Dethy of course. It's just that I rarely or never feel good, and today is no exception either. I need a doctor who will help me with several very important issues. Long story. And the most pressing issues are not pleasant to talk about or hear. But managing my pain (and only very slightly) by overdosing on pain reliever is obviously not a healthy thing.

Dad's Halloween party on the 27th was amusing, and I had never seen so many people in that house all at once. However, I think I had even more fun after the party was over (which was after midnight), just hanging out at my sister Jenn's place, with her and her lovey man. Not that Dethy and I did anything with them while we were there for four days, besides talk a little, but it felt really good just to be there, despite the fact that they were extremely busy and my niece was not even there. But when my face erupted in bloody and flaming pain on Sunday, things stopped being nice. And I swore I'd never wear make-up again, even if it means that I have to be a hermit. I can't show my face at a get-together like that without make-up, especially since people always sneak up on me with cameras. But I can't wear make-up if my skin is going to massively freak out.

I'm very lucky that I have sisters, especially since they are more supportive than my parents. If not for my sister Lisa being present that Sunday, who knows what would have happened. She always knows what's healthy and what to do to help. She went and bought a bunch of natural skin care products and random things just for me, and soon enough my skin was able to calm down. It was still bad that day, I just kept crying from the pain and humiliation, but paying my skin all that extra attention and using those remedies and herbs and things made all the difference. My skin quickly started to heal, and by the next day, the breakout was practically gone.

I'm taking herbal vitamins and stuff daily now, and obviously something's been working, because my skin's been even better than usual. That isn't to say that my skin's not having problems anymore, especially since it freaks out even more during certain times of the year, such as right now. I have the occasional painful cysts as always, too, and things you don't even want to know. But if I keep on with this, I believe I can expect a significant difference. My skin may even clear up altogether. All I can do is hope for the best and expect the worst...

Well, although I'm presently feeling lousy and in pain, at least I've already gotten some of the most pressing issues out of the way, and I can try to relax. I'll feel even better when I can set up an appointment with a dermatologist or other person who can help, and a doctor who is willing to help me with my horrible bloody female cycles of doom and agony. I am terrified to stop taking birth control, not even because of the fear of pregnancy, but because my cycles will revert back to being more than twice as long and painful.

Besides, all I would have to do to avoid pregnancy, is abstain from sex. Oh my freaking gord. That's only what I had been doing since I discovered at a young age that I have a crazy over-active sex drive.

Not like I can't say no to sex. Unlike what one demented person seems to think.

Anyways. Yeah... Rant... It's just the whole evil period thing I can't stand, because it's enough to have to endure, let alone that it causes me to be treated unfairly. It's a goddamned baby-machine in my body that's killing me, which of course I would love to destroy because I'm never having kids in the first place. But oh, wait, I guess according to the rest of the world, I'm required to have kids and to want to have kids, and if not, something is very wrong with me. Now that makes sense, why didn't I think of it that way? Of course now I have to change my ways and have twenty children to make up for my sins. ::Blunt sarcasm.:: Not to mention, if a woman is emotionally unstable or upset, it must be because of a period. In that case, I guess I've been on a period every second of my life.

I want to punch anyone who makes me feel guilty for my disgraceful feminine issues that I have no control over, because it's not even my fault that I'm a female in the first place, and of course I never wanted to be labeled as an ugly pms-stricken whore who's only sole purpose is to be a man's pleasure object and make babies and be a mindless drone working tirelessly for the unspoken cause of a warped and prejudiced society. And, because I have a different point of view on this, I must be a "feminist"... and someone seems to think that feminists are all the same and don't have a sense of humor. 

O__o

Dude. Life is nothing without humor.

I'm sorry for the rant, but if I don't vent all these things that bother me every day, I'm going to explode even worse. Well I shouldn't even have to apologize, but I've also been conditioned to feel like a worthless piece of shit and that I should feel guilty because I am a sinner and I do everything wrong. Therefore I must also constantly apologize just for being myself.

I could write more about the things that have been happening, but it's probably not all that interesting or exciting or pleasant or anything. And now I have Flickerwind on me. She seems to curl up on me at all the wrong moments lately. Yeah it's rather hard to type with a kitty on your arms. Oh well. She loves me. And she's cute.

Since I don't feel all that well and my pain is keeping my mind from being able to focus, I guess I'll end this. But before I forget, I have something else to say.

I love you Dethy. I love you so much that I don't know how to deal with it. I still very much want to finish your survey, I want to do anything that will help us connect more and learn more about each other too. I love anything you do for me. It's not that your survey is depressing, but I've been so lonely and have repressed so many intense emotions in such a way that, whenever I have a moment to myself, it's almost impossible for me to think of you without breaking down and crying. I want you to know it's not your fault, but it is my fault for keeping my thoughts and emotions constantly bottled up. And I if can't resolve my past, I can't be happy now. I need you to help me feel loved and safe every day so that I can say and feel things openly and honestly from my heart, without feeling like I have to hide everything because I'm worthless and doing everything wrong. The truth is that I feel altogether undesirable and unworthy, and my heart still refuses to let anyone get close because it won't survive another trauma. Don't let me doubt that you love me as much as I love you. I'll always love you. And I can only love you more with time.

I know we'll always be together, my Twin Flame.

I guess I ate something bad that made me sick, or more likely a combination of foods that didn't agree with me. I have no idea, but I was feeling pretty sick and nauseated the last couple days, which then turned into digestion problems. It couldn't have been the flu, which I had initially assumed, but at any rate it seems to have passed. Thank goodness for the miracle medicine of Root Beer. It always helps my stomach when I'm nauseated.

However, with all the stress, sickness and fatigue, it's hard for me to have any motivation to do things lately. It's also hard for me to do much if I don't have help in that area. Almost no motivation and very little assistance. I feel like I have to take care of most problems on my own and with a load of pressure, and that just stresses me out more. I'm used to doing things on my own, but then I often feel neglected and ignored, especially when I'm extremely emotionally stressed and no one seems to notice or care, or to make an attempt to do anything about it. Not to mention my constantly feeling like a hideous piece of shit. I can't handle my situation and I can't release the pain of abuse and misery. Nonetheless, I have tons of things I need to do, and I'm only going to feel worse the longer I have to wait for them to get done.

Okay, I'm not done being negative yet. For a minute here I'm going to sound like that guy from Zelda, Ocarina of Time. You know, the creepy bald guy who sits around in Kakariko Village doing nothing but saying how disgusting everyone is. Yeah. Well. Excuse me for being a bitch. I'm tired of the drama and pointlessness. I'm tired of humanity and I'm tired of limitations. Tired of life. Human behavior is disgusting me right now. People get treated horribly. People do horrible things. Then they get treated horribly as punishment. And so on... If this is not a negative cycle, then nothing is.

I know there are good things in life, good people and good experiences. It's just hard to see those things while being buried in the chaos of life's problems. Stress is something that can be good and bad. For example, stress is what pushes people to do the things they need to do, especially the everyday things they don't want to do. That's when stress is necessary. In my case, however, stress is proving to be a very, very bad thing.

Well anyway. The reason I'm upset today is mostly because I was woken up by neighbors. Some lady was yelling at her kid non-stop for an hour or something. That, to me, is pathetic. I don't care what the problem is, there can't be a reason to justify this kind of ridiculous behavior. What is she doing, trying to beat the all-time yelling and screaming record? Even if the kid did something really bad, they don't deserve that kind of treatment. Children are people too and we all need love. Besides, I don't think that the yelling and screaming method is going to improve any situation. Ever.

Yeah. Actually, I do have some good news, things are just complicated. My mom bought me an air mattress, to help me sleep, and for my back problems and stuff. I just set it up last night. I've only just slept on it once, but I plan on sleeping on it from now on, I love it already. And I can always adjust the softness or firmness. I actually slept without waking up several times and having to move like I usually do. And I was sleeping comfortably in an upright position nontheless. I don't think I've ever done that before. Plus, I can now sleep comfortably with Dethy without my blood circulation screwing up. Of course, that doesn't help me with the noises that keep waking me up and preventing me from going back to sleep. I need re-usable earplugs, and badly, for numerous reasons. Ringing phones, cars and trucks vibrating the walls, and sonic booming jets and crazy people yelling. And my Dethy, snoring. e_e Heh. He's just lucky he can sleep through noise.

There is also another problem, though. I am very worried about the air mattress, because my cat still has her claws. And of course she's affectionate so she's going to want to sleep with me and be around me all the time. It's not that she would hurt the air mattress on purpose, but she's always getting stuck to things cause I don't have a way to trim her claws, and even if I did, she wouldn't let me. But that's why I've covered the mattress in blankets. Still, it's a worry. It could get damaged easily. Then I'd have to find a way to fix it and that would be a pain.

I'm sad that I don't have anything at all to wear for Halloween. I wish so much that I did. I want to go to the costume party at my dad's this Saturday. But it's sort of a costume contest. Whether or not I have a great costume or no costume at all, though, I doubt that I would have a great time, because I know my stepmom doesn't want me around, and she's going to be bitchy no matter what. And I'm just going to be stressed the whole time about how bad I look, too. And worrying about how judgmental my family is to me. So it's not worth it to hang around there. I do want to see my sisters and my dad, though, and anyone else who cares for me that might be there. Other than that, I'm going to be hanging out at Enel's party, cause ironically she's having a get-together on the same day at the same time. And since my Dad and Enel both live in the same city, which is far away from here, I might as well stop by both places at least.

I don't know when I'll ever finish my artwork and things that I've been trying to do. I did want to post a drawing or something here. But I have too many things preventing me from doing creative stuff right now. I'm also very stressed about not doing Dethy's survey, but it feels like whenever I get back to working on it, I quickly become very depressed and have to stop. I have to focus on this other stuff, in the meantime. Government and legal issues are the most important and demanding. Not to mention getting help from the food bank, which also reminds me that the Family Connection center never did contact me. And by tomorrow it will have been three weeks since I applied for counseling and food assistance. I guess I should try calling them, then.

I'm sorry, Dethy, for being fickle. I can't handle the stress and I want things to get done so I can stop worrying about them. I love you more than anything.

[[ Lol, expect to be confused. This poem is weird and nonsensical but that's why it's awesome to me. I think it was made in 1995, which means I would have been seven or eight years old, and my mom had typed this up on her computer at work at the time. So here it is. Weird stalker yay. ]]


~The Richmond Man~

While I was in Concord
I saw a madman, running as fast as he can.
But he said that he was just a Richmond man.
So I run to Trenton as fast as I can
But still I saw the Richmond man.
And as I ran
That crazy man caught up to me in old Cheyenne.
And all the way to Santa Fe
The Richmond man was in my way!

I flew to Salem, but on the way
I heard him say "I won't go away!"
Pierre and Nashville was next to go
But then the Richmond man did show!
So I flew to Albany in New York, but there I saw a ham and fork---
That ham belonged to the madman.

"My next vacation will be Japan," I said to myself and the Richmond man.
So I went to Austin then S.L.C.--
That's Salt Lake City, tee hee hee...
I hope the Richmond man won't see me.

But then in Madison I'd lost my luck
It seemed that I was missing some bucks.
Then the Richmond man came amuck
And he gave me my hundred bucks!
He said to me, "Oh good lord-- you left your money in Concord!"

And then we married in Pierre.
So that's the story, so there!

             I really don't feel well, but I'm doing better compared to these last two days. I guess I get to go kidnap Enel, either tomorrow or Thursday. I have a bit more energy than usual, I just feel too sick to do anything right now anyway. Can't move. Hurts too much. So here  I am. I guess.
             Dethy and I have been looking into faster internet for a while, but we couldn't do anything about it since we've been stuck with Netzero on a six month contract. But it's been almost six months now, so next month, on the fifteenth actually, we should be able to cancel. The problem is just figuring out how to set up a new, better Internet connection, and a network so that both the Dethy and I can be online at the same time... And do stuff that internet is supposed to provide. Like actual browsing.
             So, there's that. Something to look forward to, muchly. And also, Dethy should be going to college soon, now that he won't have to deal with confusing non-resident stuff. I guess it just depends on when he's ready though. I don't want to push him or anything but of course our families are. And we have to make a living somehow, while I'm struggling with my books and waiting for word from sad Social Security people.
             Stuff's pretty organized around the house, so things feel a little better, although we still have a ton of stuff to do. For the moment, though, I'm trying to get back to journal writing. And I wanted to try and share a little something from what I've found in my strange hoard of childhood memories. I'm not done drawing my silly animal characters yet, but there were a couple poems I would love to post, so I guess I'll post one of them in the next entry.
             About stuff we have to get done, well, there is a lot, but it probably feels like more than it is 'cause it's fairly overwhelming. At least we get to visit with Enel for a couple days, that should be fun and refreshing. I was hoping we could mess with my Apples to Apples card game and add our own words to some of them. Oh, and of course I've also been meaning to type up the Legend of Zelda madlibs I created a few years ago, so that they'll be ready to be put back into use sometime soon. I still have to finish Dethy's survey, though, which is really bugging me because I should have finished it days ago. It's just hard to focus sometimes, and I guess just putting that much thought and honesty into something takes a lot of work. Um yeah.
             I need to finish the animal drawing, remember to do the laundry, get the rest of the random items that were left in the car and put them away... Yeah, we have random stuff we took from my mom's old house, cause she had left a lot of things there and they were all going to be thrown out. There's that still left, and buying some groceries and stuff would be good too. For one thing I need a new computer mouse, and a better computer chair wouldn't be a bad idea, either. I need something to supports my back, I have enough problems as it is, especially with the bed. I also need to find a way to make collages and scrapbooks out of my mountain of old papers and things sometime. And then there's that Kirby Board Game I started making a month or so ago, I need to finish that too. In the meantime I'm trying to change my imood every day and write in my blog or journal as often as possible, and work on random story stuff when I can. But the madness never ends.
             I talked with my sister Jenn for the first time in several months, and yeah life is strange, that's for sure. Among other things, she informed me that there's going to be a halloween costume party at my dad's house on the 27th, although I never got the invitation, which I can readily blame on my stepmom. No one probably would have remembered to tell me about it otherwise, but I guess it doesn't matter all that much, since I don't have anything to wear. I do want to go, though. I haven't been able to celebrate Halloween for several years, and it's not that often that I see my sisters. Or my dad, for that matter, whom I see even less. And when I do see him, he's not mentally there. Well, I can always try to put together some kind of halloween outfit in the meantime, with a little help from Jenn, and maybe some thrift stores will have random helpful accessories too. Still, Dethy would have to be there, and I don't know what he would wear. I don't know what's going to happen. I hope something works out.
             I still have to wait for word from that one counseling place about when I'll be having therapy, and who my Therapist is. And I'm also seriously trying to search for a medical doctor who will actually listen to me and try to help me, although I don't know where to look. I have quite a few issues that need to be taken care of, one of which that is of particular importance right now but that I will always feel uncomfortable talking about openly because I've been raised to avoid the topic and made to feel ashamed. Which is incredibly stupid.
             Anyways. The end?